I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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