LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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