I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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