if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
