actually, I'm a sock model
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
