she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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