Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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