so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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