It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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