he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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