they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
