When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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