I hope mine doesn't look like that
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
