I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
