if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
