How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
