how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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