I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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