woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
