The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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