okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
as a side note pls kill me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
