If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
