Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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