I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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