I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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