Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
