I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
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