you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
