Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
