If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
