You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
