we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
