Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
