Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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