Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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