I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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