He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
