if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
