I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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