I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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