He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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