When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
