Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
