Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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