I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
