She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
