i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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