WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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