i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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