i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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