went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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