Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
