your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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